


The Adapted Harry Potter

by Manaya_Karyam (Toralyzer)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 20:03:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12755220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toralyzer/pseuds/Manaya_Karyam
Summary: You have been commissioned to adapt a section of a familiar story for each of the following theatre companies:RADICAL RESPONSE, Rhyme Tyme, SIMPLE WORKS, Gritty American, Ornate Bouquet, and Character Counts.The same plot and characters can come across quite differently depending on adaptation goals and values...





	The Adapted Harry Potter

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this stage adaptation of Harry Potter for Script Analysis class. The essential points of the assignment:
> 
> You have been commissioned to adapt a section of a familiar story for each of the theatre companies listed below.  
> ● RADICAL RESPONSE Theatre Company: Our work always makes a strong social and/or political statement!  
> ● Rhyme Tyme Theatre: Paragraphs are gross and prose is worse/We only perform in Rhyming Verse!  
> ● SIMPLE WORKS theatre company: Plays presented in language as clear and direct as possible  
> ● Gritty American Theatre Company: We’re edgy, modern and urban! Our work is set in America...Now! We want it to sound like people talk today! Realer than Real!  
> ● My delightful friends, we have dubbed ourselves as the “Ornate Bouquet Theatre Company.” Everything we present is in beautiful, flowery language.  
> ● Character Counts Theatre Company: Our focus is on detailed characters, each with his/her/their own unique “voice.”
> 
> The sections aren't in the same order as this list. Can you tell which is which?

SCENE 1 - Number 4, Privet Drive

HARRY: Alas, alack, and woe is me! I, due to my parents’ demise untimely, have been left to rot in the vilest of dungeons by some fae or magical being most wicked. This dungeon is no dank prison cell, no understory to an unwelcoming castle, no penitentiary meant for criminals fearsome, no - this dungeon takes the form of the cupboard under the stairs, that triangular cage filled with spiders in the tens of thousands, for that is where I sleep.

AUNT PETUNIA: Hark, misbegotten child! We have need of thee to perform the menial tasks of our everyday life! Miserable and undeserving of love as you are, it is surely your fitting duty to be servant to those long-suffering saints who chose on that fateful day not to throw you out into the harsh rain and dark and wild, whirling streets, and who have chosen so again every day hence!

HARRY: Oh, woe!

_ OWL enters and throws many letters at the actors and into the audience. _

OWL: Hoot! Screech! Shriek! Cry! Call!

UNCLE VERNON: What manner of blasphemous nonsense presently attacks my innocent sight and my harmonious home? What absolute insensible buffoonery could these white specters of stupidity possible contain? What fresh hot crock of claptrap could that befeathered interlocutor have brought unto my poor family? None of these letters must be read, and none more must find us - we must leave our current abode forthwith!

_ All exit. _

 

SCENE 2 - The Hut on the Rock

_ UNCLE VERNON, AUNT PETUNIA, and DUDLEY are huddled together for warmth as it storms outside. HARRY is trying his best with a single blanket. _

UNCLE VERNON: So how about it? No ruddy owls or letters here. I got the place for cheap from a couple who didn’t feel safe staying here. They said something about the sea level having risen to consume the surrounding town. Ruddy liberals!

AUNT PETUNIA: Very smart, dear. You’re the man, you make the decisions.

HARRY: C-c-could I possibly… have one of the blankets… you’re n-not using?

DUDLEY: Of course not, dummy. We earned these blankets, fair and square. You some liberal looking for handouts?

UNCLE VERNON: Atta boy.

_ There is a loud pounding on the door, then the sound of it bursting open. HAGRID enters. _

HAGRID: YER A PERSON WITH PRIVILEGE, HARRY!

HARRY: I’m a what?

HAGRID: Didn’ anybody ever tell ya? Yer a wizard, and tha’ means yeh got all kinds o’ abilities other people don’t.

HARRY: But… but Hagrid, I can’t be a person with privilege. Can’t you see how hard I have it here?

HAGRID: Ah, but that’s the thing, Harry. Jest because yeh have one axis o’ privilege don’t mean yer life can’t be hard in other ways.

DUDLEY: Hold on! Are you saying Harry has something I don’t???

HAGRID: Ah, shut yer trap, yeh symbol o’ the obesity epidemic in our country.

_ HAGRID brandishes his umbrella at DUDLEY, who grows a pig’s tail. _

HARRY: Blimey! But I thought the obesity epidemic was a made-up issue used to simultaneously victimize and demonize fat people over unscientific and inaccurate health concerns. Shouldn’t Dudley be judged for his bullying behavior rather than his weight?

HAGRID: Tha’s not important right now. Harry, yer invited to come learn magic at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft an’ Wizardry.

HARRY: That sounds amazing! But, Hagrid, I don’t understand. If magic is real, why don’t witches and wizards help solve world hunger, and the wars in the middle east, and government corruption?

HAGRID: Blimey, Harry! What are yeh, some kind o’ liberal? Now come on.

_ HARRY and HAGRID exit. _

 

SCENE 3a - The Hogwarts Express

_ HARRY and RON share a booth on the train. _

HARRY: Hi, I’m Harry.

RON: Hi, I’m Ron.

_ They grin at the audience. _

BOTH:  _ Besties! _

_ HERMIONE enters. _

HERMIONE: Hi, I’m Hermione.

RON: Go away, nerd!

 

SCENE 3b - Hogwarts Bathroom

_ HERMIONE is menaced by a TROLL with a club. _

HERMIONE: Aaaah!

TROLL: Aaaargh!

_ HARRY and RON enter. _

RON:  _ Wingardium Leviosa! _

_ The TROLL involuntarily hits itself with the club and is knocked out. _

_ HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE grin at the audience. _

ALL 3:  _ Besties! _

 

SCENE 4 - Great Hall

_ HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are having breakfast. _

HARRY: You know, I don’t trust that Snape one bit. He’s been on my case since the first day!

RON: Oi I know wot you mean mate. He’s a roight nasty piece of work that one. A real tosser.

HERMIONE: Come now friends, he is our teacher! Do you truly believe him engaged in wrongdoing? Have you evidence?

HARRY: Well, my scar hurt the first time I looked at him, for one.

HERMIONE: But that could correspond to any number of causes! A coincidental headache does not a villain make.

RON: Come off it, Hermione! You take one look at ‘is greasy mug and tell me that’s not one absolutely rancid muppet.

_ SNAPE enters. _

SNAPE: Well, well, welllll… were you students discussing something… iiiinteresting?

HARRY: Oh, no, not at all, Professor.

SNAPE: A shame… Would that my own breakfast conversations were so… uneventful… Anyway, I must be going now. I have business on the third floorrrrr.

_ SNAPE exits. _

HERMIONE: Were you two beholden to that? The third floor - the very location of the forbidden corridor!

RON: Well there it is then, innit? We told you, Hermione.

HARRY: Whatever he’s planning, we have to stop him.

 

SCENE 5 - The Forbidden Corridor

CHORUS

And so the trio ventured through the door,

And to its fearsome guard they played a song.

The dog, appeased, commenced at once to snore.

 

They next were bound in vines robust and strong;

Hermione thought madly for the cure,

And withered them with fire ‘fore too long.

 

A room of wingèd keys became a blur

As skillful Harry chased them on his broom.

But soon he caught his prey, his fingers sure.

 

Next up, a giant chess set filled the room.

Strategic Ron led all to join the fray.

He won the game, but went to his own doom.

 

So Ron was hurt, but on the whole okay.

He stayed behind. The others went ahead -

To find the next threat already allayed.

 

The last test wasn’t magical; instead

A riddle based in logic was at hand.

Hermione prevailed, but then she said,

 

“Just one of us can carry on as planned.”

There wasn’t potion left enough to share.

She hugged him ‘fore he went to make his stand.

 

“Mere skill to your fierce friendship can’t compare;

Your true, unyielding strength is that you care.”

 

SCENE 6a - The Seventh Chamber

_ PROFESSOR QUIRRELL stands before the Mirror of Erised. HARRY enters. _

QUIRRELL: What’s up, Harry.

HARRY: It’s you!

QUIRRELL: Yep, it’s certainly me. Wow, who knew, am I right? I mean nobody was about to suspect p-poor, st-stuttering Professor Quirrell.

HARRY: Are you serious, man? All this time you wanted to steal the Sorcerer's Stone?

QUIRRELL: Don’t you mean the Philosopher’s Stone?

HARRY: It’s America, Quirrell. This is how real people in America talk.

QUIRRELL: Good point. Well TBH I’m actually glad you showed up. ‘Cause I’ve got no damn idea how to get this thing out of the mirror. Listen, can you take a look for me?

HARRY: What if I refuse?

QUIRRELL: Then I maybe put magic fire in your face?

HARRY: Damn… fair enough.

_ Harry looks in the mirror. He looks startled for an instant. _

QUIRRELL: Yo, what was that? What happened?

HARRY: Nothing.

QUIRRELL: I swear to god, if you don’t give me that stone this minute -

_ QUIRRELL charges toward HARRY, who frantically blocks with his arms. His touch burns QUIRRELL, who screams and lurches back. _

QUIRRELL: JESUS FUCKING SHIT CHRIST!

HARRY: Holy fuck!

_ QUIRRELL rushes at him again and HARRY grabs QUIRRELL’s face. _

QUIRRELL: AAAAAAA!

HARRY: AAAAAAA!

_ Blackout. _

 

SCENE 6b - The Hospital Wing

_ HARRY awakens in a hospital bed to find DUMBLEDORE sitting nearby. _

DUMBLEDORE:  _ (eyes twinkling) _ You did real good, dude. Real good.


End file.
